When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts.
You are permitted to deny his very existence.
Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may freely gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call "B*LL$H!T". (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400%.)
Unless he committed crimes against someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
Under no circumstances may two heterosexual men share an umbrella.
Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission, and he in return is required to grant it.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick
a buffalo wing clean.
When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink in the presence of other guys only when you're sunning on a tropical beach, and it's
delivered by a beautiful cocktail waitress, and it's free.
Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
If a buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem. You didn't see nothin'.
Cooking in the kitchen to impress a woman is allowed. Cooking for other men must be done outdoors.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but never both. That's just plain mean!