Loving ourselves being as compassionate, gentle & loving with ourselves as we would with a best friend can be pretty hard to do. This is especially true for women & survivors of abuse (including neglect).

As women & survivors, we've been trained to deny our own feelings & needs & to take care of others. And we're also frequently given messages that tell us not to accept or love ourselves. This is especially true for survivors; it's so easy for us to take in the hating messages our abusers gave us & to turn that inwards on ourselves.

But it is possible to love ourselves or at least to increase our self-love in increments, until we can know, deep to our cores, that we love ourselves & that we're beautiful. Here are some of the things that have worked for me. I hope you'll find they work for you, too.

Ask for a list of things people like about you.

Sometimes it can be hard to find things we like or love about ourselves. So ask other people to tell you all the things they like about you. Ask a friend, a lover, a therapist. This isn't a replacement for your own love; it's a first step in learning to love yourself. You may need to hear the things other people like about you before you can value them in yourself.

If hearing what people like about you is hard, ask your friends to write it down for you, or leave it on your voice mail, so you can read/listen to it over & over. Go back to it as many times as you can. Even if you don't believe that someone can like a particular thing about you, or you don't believe it exists, trust that your friend does see it & value it.

When you start to hear critical voices inside your head, go back to those things your friend said/wrote about you & remember that you are loved.

Make a list of the things you like about yourself.

Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Be as honest as you can. Modesty doesn't help you here; neither do old critical messages. If you're having trouble finding things you value about yourself, think about the things you value & love in your friends, then see if those things exist inside you, too. Most often, they do.

Fill a special notebook with your list, or create a set of cards. Make the notebook as beautiful as you can make it something that makes you feel good when you look at it. Then open it up & look at it any time you're feeling down or critical about yourself, or any time anyone says anything that triggers your criticalness of yourself.

Look at this good-things-about-yourself book as frequently as you can. It may seem silly, but repetition really does make a difference. (Just think of the impact one critical phrase said by a parent over & over to a child can have. It really does have an effect! Now try to give that child inside you at least one truly loving phrase about yourself that s/he can hold on to.)

Make it part of your daily routine to praise something in yourself or think about something you like about yourself.

In this society, we're taught that praising ourselves is selfish & wrong. But praising ourselves for things that are good about ourselves only helps us. It is a healing thing to do, something that nourishes our self-worth. When we love ourselves, we're happier & more true to our own selvesand that happiness & ability to be free spreads to others.

So...try to think of something that you like about yourself, or something that you did today that made you or someone else feel good no matter how small it may seem. Give yourself the kind of warm praise that you would a friend.

Love yourself like a friend

Close your eyes & think of a person you deeply love & trust & who you know loves you a friend, a lover. Think about all the things you love & appreciate about them. Notice how that love feels inside you, how it makes you feel good.

Now turn it around the other way be your friend, feeling that same deep love for you. Trust in their love for you & just feel it. Let yourself see your self through gentle eyes, with compassion & love the way your friend does, even if you can only do it for a moment. Now let yourself receive that love, the love you have as a friend to yourself. Feel the warmth move through you. Remember how it feels & come back to that love another time.

Make a note every time someone says something nice about you.

Every time someone tells you something about yourself that makes you feel good, write it down or make a mental note & jot it down later. When you get home, put that note in a container of "good things about me." Decorate the container however you like. Keep on adding notes & read them over every time you need a little boost and even when you don't feel like you do.

Have compassion for yourself.

If you're feeling really judgemental about something you've done or said, try to understand where the judgement is coming from. Not the immediate, surface answer, but an answer deep down inside you. Are you afraid of something, or are you feeling insecure? Do you think you did something "wrong," or are you hearing the judgement of a voice from your past? Try to connect to that little kid inside of you who's feeling that way & really listen to how s/he's feeling. Hug & reassure that kid & let her/him know that s/he didn't do anything wrong & that you love her/him.

You can also think of a friend having acted as you did. Imagine how you'd feel towards them how you'd still love them & readily forgive them if there was anything to forgive. You probably wouldn't even find it bothersome! Try to feel that same love & compassion for yourself.

Recognize that the love has to come from you.

If you're a survivor of child abuse or come from a dysfunctional family, you may still be waiting for a parent to give you the love & acceptance you never got as a child. But the kind of love you need (or needed as a child) probably isn't going to come from a parent who abused you or who looked the other way while you were being abused. But it can come from yourself.

It can be hard to give it to yourself at first after all, if you didn't receive love as a child, or if some of that love was torn away from you by violence, self-hate may have built up inside you. But you have the courage & strength to love yourself, if you've survived this long. And you do deserve it!