by Laura W. Sparrowhawke, copyright 1998

Are you being controlled through criticism, moodiness, anger, threats, overprotection and "caring," denying your perceptions, ignoring your needs & opinions, unilateral decisionmaking, financial dependence, isolation, intimidation, or humiliation? How many of these sound like your life?

• Whenever you're feeling good, does your partner always deflate your mood?
• Is nothing you do ever right or good enough for your partner?
• Can only your partner be right? Does he always correct your impressions or the way you say and do things?
• Do you receive only sarcastic or backhanded compliments from your partner never positive support or encouragement?
• Does your partner call you names?
• Does your partner say you're too sensitive and can't take a joke right after saying something cruel to/about you?
• Does your partner create a scene, then accuse you of exaggerating or making the whole thing up when if you confront him about it?
• Does your partner continually break promises, but say he never promised in the first place?
• Does your partner act as if you're imagining all the problems in your relationship?
• If you cry because you are hurt, does your partner say you're hysterical or overly upset or ask why you upset yourself so much?
• If you're angry and tell him, does he then blame his anger on you or say you're being abusive simply by being angry?
• Does your partner insist you feel the way he expects you to feel rather than the way you feel?
• If you are ill, does your partner refuse to help or promise to help and then "forget"?
• Does your partner constantly interrupt you, forget what you said, change the subject, or twist the meaning of your words?
• Is someone else always to blame for your partner's problems?
• When you ask why your partner's angry, does he deny his anger?
• Does your partner accuse you of trying to start an argument when you want to discuss something with him?  
• When you try to discuss something that's bothering you with your partner does he frequently "have no idea what you're talking about"?
• Does your partner walk away, tease you, or ignore you if you express your opinion?
• Does your partner believe they should always have the final say?
• After agreeing to a resolution, does your partner do exactly the opposite of what you agreed upon?
• If you ask about something you should have had a say in deciding, does your partner insist "but that's already been decided"?
• Are there topics that you are not allowed to freely discuss?
• Is your free time limited to your partner's interests?
• Does your partner steer you towards dressing a certain way, a certain hairstyle, or some other appearance that doesn't really suit your own tastes?
• Does your partner often tell you that he'd like your appearance better if only... you lost weight? you gained weight? you changed something else about yourself?
• Does your partner totally disrespect and discount your feelings?
• Does your partner putdown your friends and family or nag at you until you stop contacting them?
• Does your partner accuse the people who are your support system of "causing trouble"?
• Do you feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster?
• Is your partner manipulative with lies & contradictions?
• Does your partner say cruel, hurtful things just to upset you?
• Are you constantly criticized?
• Does your partner expect you to be "perfect"?
• Is there a scene if you have a differing opinion from your partner's?
• Is living with your partner tense since you never know what will set off your partner's temper?
• Are you anxious whenever you both visit with friends and family because you expect your partner to humiliate you over something you've done or one of your personality traits?
• Does your partner get angry, then either blow his top or withdraw into prolonged silence until you apologize for whatever it was that "made him angry"?
• When you can't read your partner's mind and follow his unspoken "rules," does your partner become furious?
• If your partner dislikes what you're doing, are you unfairly threatened with a call to report you to public aid, child welfare, I.N.S., etc.?
• Does your partner tell your children that you're a bad parent?
• Does your partner "worry" about you too much if you're away from home?
• Do you receive phone calls or unexpected visits from your partner to see if you're "okay"?
• Do you need your partner's approval to have friends and family visit?
• Is your partner reluctant to socialize with you? Does your partner refuse to take you anywhere?
• Are you accused of caring more for your family and friends than for him? Does your partner say he's not getting enough of your time or energy?
• Are you scared that your partner will be mad if you're even a few minutes late?
• Is your partner jealous or overprotective when it comes to your coworkers or friends of the opposite sex?
• Do you need to stay at home to take care of your responsibilities, but your partner always finds the time to go out?
• Is your partner jealous when you talk to new people?
• Does your partner accuse you of being unfaithful if you're late or not where he expects you to be?
• Is your partner excessively jealous? Does your partner need to know all the details of who you saw where and what you did?
• Does your partner insist that you cannot leave him and you'll always be together?
• Has your partner threatened to kill you or themselves if you leave them?
• Has your partner ever threatened to take the children away or kidnap them if you leave?

If the answers to these questions fit your life then you are being emotionally/ verbally abused.  As I read through them now I am appalled at how many of them applied to my life.  I wish I had had this list to read then and the courage to act upon it before the psychological trauma was done.  Please, do better than I did.  recognize your situation and act on it.

~Christina~