The Abuser's Body Language
Many abusers have a specific body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle - but discernible -
warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!
an elusive breed, hard to spot, harder to pinpoint, impossible to capture. Even an experienced mental health diagnostician
with unmitigated access to the record and to the person examined would find it fiendishly difficult to determine with any
degree of certainty whether someone is being abusive because he suffers from an impairment, i.e., a mental health disorder.
Some abusive behavior patterns are a result of the patient's cultural-social context. The offender seeks to conform
to cultural and social morals and norms. Additionally, some people become abusive in reaction to severe life crises.
most abusers master the art of deception. People often find themselves involved with a abuser (emotionally, in business, or
otherwise) before they have a chance to discover his real nature. When the abuser reveals his true colors, it is usually far
too late. His victims are unable to separate from him. They are frustrated by this acquired helplessness and angry that they
failed to see through the abuser earlier on.
But abusers do emit subtle, almost subliminal, signals in his body language
even in a first or casual encounter. These are:
"Haughty" body language The abuser adopts a physical posture which
implies and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused indifference, etc. Though the abuser
usually maintains sustained and piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his personal
The abuser takes part in social interactions even mere banter condescendingly, from a position of supremacy
and faux "magnanimity and largesse". But even when he feigns gregariousness, he rarely mingles socially and prefers to remain
the "observer", or the "lone wolf".
Entitlement markers The abuser immediately asks for "special treatment" of some
kind. Not to wait his turn, to have a longer or a shorter therapeutic session, to talk directly to authority figures (and
not to their assistants or secretaries), to be granted special payment terms, to enjoy custom tailored arrangements. This
tallies well with the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his tendency to shift responsibility to others, or to the world at large,
for his needs, failures, behavior, choices, and mishaps ("look what you made me do!").
The abuser is the one who vocally
and demonstratively demands the undivided attention of the head waiter in a restaurant, or monopolizes the hostess, or latches
on to celebrities in a party. The abuser reacts with rage and indignantly when denied his wishes and if treated the same as
others whom he deems inferior. Abusers frequently and embarrassingly "dress down" service providers such as waiters or cab
Idealization or devaluation:: The abuser instantly idealizes or devalues his interlocutor. He flatters, adores,
admires and applauds the "target" in an embarrassingly exaggerated and profuse manner or sulks, abuses, and humiliates her.
Abusers are polite only in the presence of a potential would-be victim - a "mate", or a "collaborator". But they are
unable to sustain even perfunctory civility and fast deteriorate to barbs and thinly-veiled hostility, to verbal or other
violent displays of abuse, rage attacks, or cold detachment.
The "membership" posture. The abuser always tries to
"belong". Yet, at the very same time, he maintains his stance as an outsider. The abuser seeks to be admired for his ability
to integrate and ingratiate himself without investing the efforts commensurate with such an undertaking.
if the abuser talks to a psychologist, the abuser first states emphatically that he never studied psychology. He then proceeds
to make seemingly effortless use of obscure professional terms, thus demonstrating that he mastered the discipline all the
same which is supposed to prove that he is exceptionally intelligent or introspective.
In general, the abuser always
prefers show-off to substance. One of the most effective methods of exposing a abuser is by trying to delve deeper. The abuser
is shallow, a pond pretending to be an ocean. He likes to think of himself as a Renaissance man, a Jack of all trades, or
a genius. Abusers never admit to ignorance or to failure in any field yet, typically, they are ignorant and losers. It is
surprisingly easy to penetrate the gloss and the veneer of the abuser's self-proclaimed omniscience, success, wealth, and
Bragging and false autobiography. The abuser brags incessantly. His speech is peppered with "I", "my",
"myself", and "mine". He describes himself as intelligent, or rich, or modest, or intuitive, or creative but always excessively,
implausibly, and extraordinarily so.
The abuser's biography sounds unusually rich and complex. His achievements incommensurate
with his age, education, or renown. Yet, his actual condition is evidently and demonstrably incompatible with his claims.
Very often, the abuser's lies or fantasies are easily discernible. He always name-drops and appropriates other people's experiences
and accomplishments as his own.
Emotion-free language. The abuser likes to talk about himself and only about himself.
He is not interested in others or what they have to say. He is never reciprocal. He acts disdainful, even angry, if he feels
an intrusion on his precious time.
In general, the abuser is very impatient, easily bored, with strong attention deficits
unless and until he is the topic of discussion. One can dissect all aspects of the intimate life of a abuser, providing the
discourse is not "emotionally tinted". If asked to relate directly to his emotions, the abuser intellectualizes, rationalizes,
speaks about himself in the third person and in a detached "scientific" tone or composes a narrative with a fictitious character
in it, suspiciously autobiographical.
Most abusers get enraged when required to delve deeper into their motives, fears,
hopes, wishes, and needs. They use violence to cover up their perceived "weakness" and "sentimentality". They distance themselves
from their own emotions and from their loved ones by alienating and hurting them.
Seriousness and sense of intrusion
and coercion The abuser is dead serious about himself. He may possess a fabulous sense of humor, scathing and cynical, but
rarely is he self-deprecating. The abuser regards himself as being on a constant mission, whose importance is cosmic and whose
consequences are global.
If a scientist he is always in the throes of revolutionizing science. If a journalist he
is in the middle of the greatest story ever. If an aspiring businessman - he is on the way to concluding the deal of the century.
Woe betide those who doubt his grandiose fantasies and impossible schemes.
This self-misperception is not amenable
to light-headedness or self-effacement. The abuser is easily hurt and insulted (narcissistic injury). Even the most innocuous
remarks or acts are interpreted by him as belittling, intruding, or coercive slights and demands. His time is more valuable
than others' therefore, it cannot be wasted on unimportant matters such as social intercourse, family obligations, or household
chores. Inevitably, he feels constantly misunderstood.
Any suggested help, advice, or concerned inquiry are immediately
cast by the abuser as intentional humiliation, implying that the abuser is in need of help and counsel and, thus, imperfect.
Any attempt to set an agenda is, to the abuser, an intimidating act of enslavement. In this sense, the abuser is both schizoid
and paranoid and often entertains ideas of reference.
Finally, abusers are sometimes sadistic and have inappropriate
affect. In other words, they find the obnoxious, the heinous, and the shocking - funny or even gratifying. They are sexually
sado-masochistic or deviant. They like to taunt, to torment, and to hurt people's feelings ("humorously" or with bruising
While some abusers are "stable" and "conventional" - others are antisocial and their impulse control is
flawed. These are very reckless (self-destructive and self-defeating) and just plain destructive: workaholism, alcoholism,
drug abuse, pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, or reckless driving.
Yet, these the lack of empathy, the aloofness,
the disdain, the sense of entitlement, the restricted application of humor, the unequal treatment, the sadism, and the paranoia
do not render the abuser a social misfit. This is because the abuser mistreats only his closest - spouse, children, or (much
more rarely) colleagues, friends, neighbours. To the rest of the world, he appears to be a composed, rational, and functioning
person. Abusers are very adept at casting a veil of secrecy - often with the active aid of their victims - over their dysfunction