Please talk about him/her, even though he/she is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he/she never existed. I need to talk about him/her, and I need to do it over and over.

Be patient with my agitation. Nothing feels secure in my world.

Get comfortable with my crying. Sadness hits me in waves, and I never know when my tears may flow. Just sit with me in silence and hold my hand.

Don't abandon me with the excuse that you don't want to upset me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Ask me how I feel only if you really have time to find out.

I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me. And just because I may smile or laugh does not mean I am happy. It may just be that at that moment I may be hiding, trying to hang on.

I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget him/her and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. He/she is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him/her with joy and other times with a tear.

Both are okay.

I don't have to accept the death. 

Please don't tell me I can find someone else or that I need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides,

what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't.

I need to know that you care about me.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have.

Please don't judge me now - or think that I'm behaving strangely.

Remember I'm grieving. I may even be in shock. I am afraid. I may feel

deep rage. I may even feel guilty. But above all, I hurt. I'm

experiencing a pain unlike any I've ever felt before and one that can't

be imagined by anyone who has not walked in my shoes.

Don't worry if you think I'm getting better and then suddenly I seem to

slip backward. Grief makes me behave this way at times. And please don't

tell me you know how I feel, or that it's time for me to get on with my life.

What I need now is time to grieve.