Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Andy Rooney On Morning Differences :
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife is from the mid-west, very nice people there, very wholesome they use like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm
not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in heck'?
Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.
Andy Rooney on Research:
Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections ... who can't remember what to do with them.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.